Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
