My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
