You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
