well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
