She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
