Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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