it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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