I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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