Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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