Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
