I hate your face
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
