Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
