My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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