dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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