I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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