All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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