Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
