She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
