Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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