goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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