Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
