Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
