she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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