Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
