I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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