onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.