apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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