I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
