If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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