dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
