FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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