dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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