I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
