I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
