sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
you never un-have a 4some
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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