He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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