I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
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I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
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I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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