he was CRYING into my vagina
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
