Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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