capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
