Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
