Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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