woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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