Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
