i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
