He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
