I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
