It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
