i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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