The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
