I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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