I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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