walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My vagina just recognized that song.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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