i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
