So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
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you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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