He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
