It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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