theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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