im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
