I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
